Every Chapter in Life deserves its own bookmark

It's May 2021 and pre-pandemic, my usual routine would be to wake up, get ready and head out the door for a job that pays minimally, at least steadily, but made me question if this was the life I was ready to end my last breathes with? Post-pandemic and nothing much has changed because I still don't have the courage to chased after my so called 'dream' of working for myself and roaming the world as a free spirit. Looking at other people chasing their wanderlust through a digital screen, it is envy and fear that fills my heart. Envy that people dared to dream and followed that dream while the insecurities of 'what-ifs' tutted at the desire to act so imprudently.

The need for control over every decision on your life is so powerful, especially when not knowing is scarier. But the what-ifs is tantalizing, if not devilish, as it cajoled with sweet promises. And maybe it does hold its own truth, that it is better to regret doing something than to wonder what-ifs. For the what-ifs are sometimes more illusions than reality.

But even after taking the first step, there is still the lingering self-doubts. At every corner and in the quiet hours of night, the shadows seem poised to seep out of the smallest cracks. The smallest opening gives it the opportunity to lunge out into reality, the bull in a China shop. Maybe this is hell, having no hope.